05/06/2025

 

05/06/2025 8:27 AM

I am right and about to commit a cardinal sin. Masturbation. Fuck. So my mind is going all crazy because I haven’t gotten used to typing. I think it’s not about typing on this keyboard, but. I don’t know anything. So what was it that I was going ot tupwaadsfosadfas;dkfjasd;lfjasd;lkfjsad;lkfjsda

Why is it not working like it used to be? I can assure you of the utmost faculty of our business with 24-hour services anytime and anywhere. Platinum American Express. Ha

those who... na why do I have to say anything about platinum cards. It's.. no What the fuck is going on. Why are people killing each other? My mind is going blank, and nothing excites me except ladies. I am, after all, a man of tradition. Damn! This coffee is too bitter, like a medicine. But it is medicine after all. So why was I here? I think I need to continue my sentences. I mean, I should continue my storyWheree was I? I mean, I should keep my life in check. Damn! I told myself to add a design category to my portfolio, which is still missing. Why won't I add design to my portfolio? I should be doing graphic design, motion graphics, and art at the same time. You know why I chose computer graphics and arts, to build an amazing game. So, where is the fiery desire to build this awesome game? Yes. I still have them. I have them all planned out. Don’t talk like a delusional person. Words don’t build games, programming and graphics do. So I am completely new to this gaming industry. I mean building games. So what should I do? I should first make a rough sketch. I think I should first make a story worth playing. I do have the theme and overall scenario, so yaa. 

Let’s break it down. You know when your mind is clear and precise, writing flows smoothly, and you write without thinking, no matter how many mistakes you make. But when your mind is messy and jumbled with nonsensical things, then you point out every mistake, and that adds up to making you believe that whatever you are doing is not worth it. Be like a child, my friend. I mean a child with proper guidance. Children are fierce in their pursuit of success if they are encouraged. They don’t quit, and they learn to enjoy failure as much as success. Like when a child is climbing a tree, for example. S/he imagines success already with them. I mean, most people get excited and celebrate success after they achieve what they want, like successfully climbing the tree. But for children with enough encouragement, that child celebrate success before or in the process of climbing, and after they succeed. They just raise their hands in victory with the same excitement they had while they were below. 

I think it’s all in the mindset. I know what you are thinking. What if the child cannot climb the tree? That’s where the proper guidance comes in. If a child is excited to climb the tree, but when he fails to do so, adults should help them to achieve his goals. Just a little push or some useful tips to help them, but never let them hinder their belief. Losing what you have is worse than what you don’t have. And I don’t mean materialistically, it’s the self-confidence of a child we are talking about. A series of such failure events with no aid but ridicule will surely lead the child to think that s/he is not worthy enough, and doubt will start to creep in. I mean we are adults and can think logically, butit'ss a child and all s/he can think is wonderful imaginations of the world. Let them play with their imagination,n s but also sometimes, humility should be within themselves. Everything is a learnt behavior and one.

What the fuck! I can take one topic and pull it to infinity. It’s never-ending. From one case to another, I will keep explaining things in detail. I should be stopping right now. I mean, I was not raised in that way, but in a different way. You know how asian parents raise their children. Through fear and punishment, I was raised, so I have longed to be treated in such a way. I believe every male is expected to be strong and manly. They say tears are for women, and real men don’t cry. What? What the fuck! You want us to never cry or shed tears. Well fuck you society and everything that is irnoical and idocracy. I mean, not getting raised in a good community without any crimes and safety is a good sign, but what if the society that ensures your safety won't let you grow? Everything has its own merits and flaws; you cannot complain about the system when it’s running smoothly for centuries. I mean, there will come a time when things have to be changed, when revolution has to be made. You know, that's why people are afraid of new changes, because to make room for new things, old ideas have to be dismantled or completely removed. People with ages of experience are compelled to learn new things, and that’s way out of their comfort zone. But! Change is inevitable. What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? I don’t know? They clash, they collide, and finally, one of them surrenders.? 

What is this? A quote, dialogue, saying, or ethical dilemma? I have no idea, but it does apply in so many parts of life. Actually, come to think of it,  everything we are taught in school or at home they are applicable in one way or another, and we never question them; we just apply them because they work. I know there are many efficient ways to do tasks, but we still do the old traditional work because our parents have been doing it without questioning authority or the workflow. Sometimes, you need to have confidence in rebelling against authority and doing your work against all odds. I might not work at the beginning, but make sure to not lose hope and seek help when needed. I need to watchRobotss and Ratatouille. 

I can do this all day but I have other tasks to worry about so this is Suman Gurung signing out, thank you. 

It is me again signing in at 10:13 PM and I have no idea why I am doing this. I mean I can read books about Lord Shiva but here I am, writing away my thoughts, I have no stories to tell for now and my life is going plane and somewhat smooth. What I have to do now is repair my phone and sell this iphone. I mean, maybe I am not used to iOS or something. For now, I need money. 

One thing I always ponder upon is, does a man have his value according to how much wealth he acquires and how much he earns monthly? I mean, if beauty is for ladies, then of course wealth must be for gentlemen. It might not be true in every case, but I believe this is the fact that the worth of a man is directly related to his wealth. 

I believe such a society is still underdeveloped and a real intellectual society does admire people with their passion for work and honest work to serve the society. Society needs a system to run properly and that's where money comes in but one’s worth in society should also be established and I don’t think money can solve that problem when one’s attitude towards fellow neighbors is bitter as hell.

Some random thoughts are popping in and out of my mind and I can’t help but write. It has become my second nature. Today while meditating, I’ve come to unearth my old thought of creating a 3d first person game of Patan durbar square. It would be a peaceful one but one can unlock non-pacifist mode too. What the hell am I talking about? One thing is for sure, I need to study and learn the ways of game developing one way or another. No exception.  

Ashim Shakya. He is one of the game developers of Nepal, and I really want to do work like him. I don’t know how long it will take me to become so proficient, and if I never try, I will never know. I mean,n I won't regret never doing it. I would rather do and fail and do it again until I succeed. You only need once to succeed, no matter how many times you fail. 

The 3d patan game is too far-fetched, and I might make something similar to that in the future. It will take me years of practice and training… Hold on, wait a minute. I don’t have to do anything. I just have to surround myself with skilled people and pay them to work on my project. Ahh, we come to money at last. No matter what, we always end up circling around money. Money’s the motivation, money’s the conversation. So I must earn money no matter what.