Past Self To Future Me

3/16/2025 9:33 AM I am back again. I don’t know why I am doing this, but I am writing every day. I missed writing yesterday but that’s not the point. I keep coming back no matter what. I don’t even know what to write or where this is going. I am just writing because I don’t know? I think it’s what I must do. Just like exercise and meditation. It does not impact my life in major ways but it keeps me feeling great. I mean at least I am walking my life with confidence rather than depression when I do my workouts. Yesterday morning, I wished I was dead as soon as I opened my eyes. I don’t know why. It seemed like not doing a workout for 2 days took a toll on my mental health. I kept thinking about that specific moment for a while. I don’t know why I think of death so much? I mean I don’t care anymore if I live or die. It is the people around me ho are affected by my death. Death is just an escape from reality and suffering. I am not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of not living my life as ...

  3/14/2025 8:54 AM I think I should read David Goggins' Can’t Hurt Me. Or not. I don’t know. But I know it’s really in your mind, everything you do. Yes. I thought it was some sort of bullcrap but it's really true. And he also talks, I mean to mention a lot about a winning mindset. It's different from my ideology. My principle is believing in yourself whereas David's mindset is, winning and achieving when it’s almost impossible. I mean I haven't read his books but watched one of his videos and that’s how I got his general idea. His idea is to keep pushing forward and keep reaching new heights, no matter how difficult it is. My theory is to believe in yourself and keep moving forward. There will come a time when the faith of time will test your beliefs, and you need to be ready to trust yourself to make the leap of faith. Believe in yourself. Trust yourself. But like all things, it takes time and effort. Slowly but eventually and with enough practice, you will learn...

  3/23/2025 7:25 AM I want a MUJI fountain pen. But there are alternatives like, let’s see. Nop! I want a MUJI fountain pen and that's final. Heehhhh anyway, enough searching for the best and start typing. I am here to do some typing and nothing else. Yes, wherever I was, I wish my hands were fast enough to catch my thoughts. You know what, you don’t even have to type at all, you can make it voice-activated and AI will type your words into pages. Yes, Maybe that's one thing I can do, I mean I can take advantage of the technology. But it’s good to type. I dont know, I have never done that. There’s a guy on the internet and now I don’t know his name. Shit! I mentioned him somewhere in the past pages and now forgotten his name. Basically, he gives good advice and I also like his disposition. All I am saying is I should change my thought process of typing shit on pages and rather use something efficient. But I think I am leaving authenticity or what we call, originality in the name...

  3/10/2025 9:20 AM I'm into Cottage Core now. Why? Because I love fresh grass, green trees, open fields where the sun is shining and I'm under a tree painting and drinking coffee while listening to cottage core music. It’s just some classic piano music. I thought who would listen to this music? And here I am listening to them while explaining my ideal evening. I have so much to experience and cottagecore is not one of them. I would love to do that but some experiences have shaken me to my core and made me awe with wonders. The sheer amount of how insignificant we are against the forces of nature. Of course, I am talking about that one place in the mountains I experienced. I might never experience such vastness that hit me like a huge boulder. I was alone on some height of a small bumpy hill. There on top, were stones formed like Stonehenge. Like a vintage point or resting spot where travelers make a shelter or something. I left my crew down a bit to search for Kajin Sara Lake ...

  3/8/2025 7:36 AM It’s already 7:36! I should have done this 20 minutes ago. Ahh shit. Anyways, I need music. I have come back with the music but now what? I have no idea. I think I should draw more now. But how? It’s like my basic instinct. You know when you think of doing something very much that you end up doing despite all the obstacles and hurdles. But this time, it's the opposite. I mean the huddles are winning and I'm not. I mean I am skipping my workout routine and whatnot. Shit. I should keep my life in check. But how? Wish there were some other motives. Yes,I do have motives but right now, it’s overwhelming.  What? How can a simple drawing be overwhelming? Yes, I am trying to maintain my quality but do heck with that? Okay, I have left my Japanese studies far behind and now I have to pick it up from where I left. I mean I must study and don’t want to leave it to chance. I will study, apply to Japan, and study there. But do I really want to go anywhere when everythin...

  3/7/2025 7:26 AM Last night,  I watched an hour of chess tactics on YouTube for at least, I think 40 minutes. After that, it was 12 and I went to bed. It’s not only the timer but your body tells you to sleep after 12. Anyway, recently I have found chess tactics and plays really interesting. I mean I didn’t know chess is so deep and so intricate. Before, I used to play just for fun and now, It has so many rules, tactics, and gameplay and I want to know them now. When you understand the rules and strategies of chess, you begin to understand chess memes, blunders, misses, and all sorts of involuntary communication. Like why bishops are called snipers, why a rook and bishops are greater than a queen, and why you always make a pawn chain. I am slowly beginning to think like Emmit from The Lego Movie when he finally becomes the master builder. But I am not there yet.  Okay, enough about chess but I should do something about nighttime. I will read books then. It’s decided. But...

  3/35/2025 7:03  I have nothing to share except about yesterday. What about yesterday? Yesterday, I went to meet Usha. And that’s it. Let's break it down further and elaborate more. So my conclusion from Usha is, Nothing. She wanted someone to work and there I was. I feel like it was a kind of agreement to be with her. I mean let’s get straight to the point.  She called me to be present in this survey so I went there. I had nothing interesting. I mean I have important things to do but leaving that, I want to have a coffee with her to prepare for the upcoming survey. I don’t know what she felt but I kinda felt great meeting with her. But it's not the same from both perspectives you know. She was kind of nervous playing around with the packet of sugar and folding it. What the hell am I talking about? I have no attachment or any sort of temptation or anything. I just wanted to meet her in real life so I did. Now today, I have to be in the group and talk about data packs and...