3/16/2025

3/16/2025 9:33 AM
I am back again. I don’t know why I am doing this, but I am writing every day. I missed writing yesterday but that’s not the point. I keep coming back no matter what. I don’t even know what to write or where this is going. I am just writing because I don’t know? I think it’s what I must do. Just like exercise and meditation. It does not impact my life in major ways but it keeps me feeling great. I mean at least I am walking my life with confidence rather than depression when I do my workouts.

Yesterday morning, I wished I was dead as soon as I opened my eyes. I don’t know why. It seemed like not doing a workout for 2 days took a toll on my mental health. I kept thinking about that specific moment for a while. I don’t know why I think of death so much? I mean I don’t care anymore if I live or die. It is the people around me ho are affected by my death. Death is just an escape from reality and suffering.
I am not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of not living my life as expected. So every time I don’t do things I am supposed to do, I wish I was dead. What use is life if you can't live it to your expectations? Nice. But this is, you cannot end the circle of life. It’s not that easy. Death is just another part of this whole thing called, I don’t know what it is called but it might be called karma. I will call it karma.

 
Okay for me, if I die, I will be reborn starting back again from the beginning and I hate that. It’s like a game with a permadeath setting on. No matter how many times you die, you must finish the game or else, you will be stuck in an endless loop of life and death. Yup, I believe in incarnation and also Karma.
Yesterday, while doing chores in the kitchen, I was thinking the same thing. Why? Why I thought of death like it’s nothing. I think I should write down everything I believe about life and death. Okay, it's time. I believe everybody here on this earth is at some point in their Karma. I don’t mean life. Life is one chapter of this whole divine play(Lila). What the fuck am I talking about? I have no idea but that’s exactly why I am writing these notes, to understand more thoroughly.

Okay, this divine play has faith written for us. It gives us tools and time to build something of our own. Just like video games. I am comparing it to a role-playing video game and it does make sense when we see things like that. God wants us to do something about our lives, be that something little like walking in the park or giving birds treats. Just like the butterfly effect, your presence will create a ripple in time and will create a big impact. We are actually a cog in a machine, a small part of something bigger. We are like a pawn in chess. Where are we heading with this conversation? It’s not what I was supposed to say.
I wanted to give a clear explanation but I am lost in my own thoughts. But that’s okay. That's why we are here. Hehehe shit. Anyways, we were talking about life and death. Ohh It’s so interesting. All I want to know is, is there something wrong with me thinking about death the moment I wake up? Maybe God is trying to tell me something. Yeah. nothing happens by accident. I believe everything is written in your book of life. I am closer to the certainty that nothing is left by chance but written in faith. So thinking about death has something to do with my future. Maybe I am actually going to die? Wow feels so intimidating to think about death. Like so exhilarating. Like really, I am going to talk about death more because it makes me appreciate my life even more. Not that I'm gonna die. It’s not that easy man. If it's not written, then I won’t die. And if it is then no forces in this universe can stop me from my death. That's what it is.

All I am saying is that God put us here for a reason. In this world, there is no good or bad. It's all gray and always has been. If you are destined to do something, even if it’s bad, there’s nothing you can do. You go and accept your faith. The one thing I can’t understand is who makes those rules? Who decides what’s good and what’s bad. Killing people is bad, I know. But what if that one people kill hundreds and thousands. Isn’t it more morally obliged to kill that one person to save the lives of thousands? That’s a moral dilemma for another day. I am in my own personal shit right now.

So where was I? Yeah, I think of life as an RPG game where you have to acquire powers, skills, and companionship and build yourself so you can defeat the final boss. Then the credit roll and you either play game+ or remove the game from your library.

Just like ga ame, we have four key driving things to achieve in our Karma, the entirety of our lives. They are according to Hindu philosophy. I mean what should I call them. I will google it later but here are four key essences.

Dharma(What you must do no matter what)
Aartha(What is your purpose)
kama(live in present, enjoy)
Moksha(ultimate death, your Karma completion)


I don’t believe Lord Buddha achieved Mokshya in his one lifetime but it was the combination of all the lives he lived before that. At some point in his past lives, he achieved all three. Now it was time for him to achieve the final one. I believe that’s how karma works. Even though you die permanently. The player, let’s say god in this scenario who is playing us knows what is to be expected at some point in our life. Oh, did I say it's an open-world procedurally generated game? Even God has no Idea where you gonna end up but he has this general idea about the ways of the world by past experience. We as a character, on the other hand, have no idea about our past lives because the game is restarted and all the memory is wiped off our software. Only God has some remembrance about our past, and only the major life-altering memories, not some trivial things like what we ate last year at this specific time. But you know what? I tried record-keeping everything in case I might need to remember. I think I still have them on my Evernote. But the thing is, I don’t need to know everything and it’s too time-consuming going back in the past to see what I did specifically in this very moment. Why would I want to know?

So what’s the conclusion? I don’t know. I believe I am here in this world and in flesh and bones for a reason. All that I am doing is getting me closer to another chapter of my life. I mean I must fulfill the destiny of this life, I think my destiny is to become an artist and to teach people. I don’t know? The future is unpredictable and nobody knows what lies ahead. Only the Book of life has the answers but it’s already lost in oblivion. So I am left to find it on my own. I hope to find my Aartha in this life and complete it before moving on to my next chapter. If I don’t, I will be circling round and round, trying to solve the missing puzzle piece, life after life. Maybe there’s a word for that also. I think I need to study Hindu scripture to understand all these.