05/07/2025

 

05/07/2025 9:23 AM 

What am I supposed to do now? I think I bought that keyboard for no apparent reason, but I use it. I mean, I can use this to,o but. A, hh I have no idea what the hell I am doing. I love how it autocorrects my words. I just can’t help but listen to Zelda music. Now I am switching to Ophelia Wilde. What the hell is going on with me? These past few days, I have not been feeling quite myself. I don’t know why, but something is changing within m,e and I don’t know what. I think I should stop masturbating. Hehehe. I feel funny even thinking of that, but seriously. He. When will I grow up, m?n. I still act immature when the topic of sex is presented. I am far older than an adult. I must learn the ways of adulting. I should be drawing right now, but instead, I am writing things that I have no Idea about. I think I should continue writing like this. Damn! This feels good. I mean the keyboard is noisy, but it’s mechanical and produces satisfactory results on pressing each key. 

So here I am, doing my shit. I know the ESR keyboard will work effectively when I bring it to the library, where I can type quietly. But for the comfort of my own room, I guess this mechanical keyboard will suffice. So libra,ry eh? Yes, the only place where I feel like I can connect to intelligent people is the library, but I need to try, I mean, what else can I do? I can take part in the Tostmaster program, but that thing requires money. Damn! Why does everything require money? I think it’s not the money but the value it brings. If I give someone money, then I trust that person to be of value, and I really want to be a part of their journey or their faculty. 

So there it is. Today, I have to print and varnish my photos. I want to know what effects it will have on the place and, you know. You know, my mind is not working these days. Just like I mentioned above, something is changing and it’s affecting my whole body and also my mind. I can't quite figure it out. I thought it was a common cold or some kind of pre-fever symptom, but not. I think it’s about coffee because recently I have not been getting the kick out of coffee either. I know what it is. I know it’s the Novel by Fyodor Dostoevsky called Crime and Punishment that hijacked my thoughts and made me rethink aife. Maybe, maybe not? But the book has influenced me in a way I can't fathom to imagine.  At first, the grammar and sentences were riveting to the point that I fell asleep several times during my reading period. The sentences and paragraphs were too long and too boring to understand when everything was presented in detail. Most of the events happen within conversations that stretch into chapters, and I sit there reading, making sense of each phrase the character tries to put emphasis on. It's like preparation for something dramatic, but until then, nothing happens except the introduction and slow anticipation of something to happen. That's why the big events were more understandable and more empathizing because all this build-up was for the viewers to not only understand but to feel and justify their need for doing whatever they are doing. Or it could be the use of exquisite English and premium grammar. It could be the mix of both, but the story was presented as if it could happen to any other person on the miserable street of Petersburg. Oh well, who am I to say otherwise? Anyway, Crime is considered a crime when it is caught. Otherwise, criminals are considered saints by the acts of sin. Just like in the book” To Kill a Mockingbird”, I have learned that. The necessity for an evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. That is why history is filled with wars and chaos. I mean, there is no wrong and right when it comes to wabu bu, one has to stand up against such cruelty or crime. Even the Krishna act is considered pious when fighting against sins, even though he uses his divine force to make things right. There is no equality in that? But evil doesn't play by the rules, and there is no equality where evil grows. There is no other way than to get yourself dirty while cleaning the nasty debris. 

Why am I writing all this and not working on my projects? I don’t know if I will do it soon, but if I stand up.