05/10/2025

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05/10/2025 10:27 AM

To grow, you need to feel low. One thing! I am no more excited about anything, and that’s what part of growing up means, I guess. I was in 2016 or something when loneliness caught hold of me. Before that, I was just enjoying stuff like a child, without worrying about anything but myself and the present moment. When one or two of my friends left the country for work or study abroad, I was left with this missing them, but it was okay. I just felt something's missing. I used to be alone, not lonely, but that was my first little touch of isolation. I realised late that year, the feeling was lingering, and it never left me. I overlooked and kept on living my life with the fear, and it grew unmanageable. I could no longer overlook it anymore. I used to be happy and lucky, always smiling despite problems. The thing with me was, I could not stay sad or serious for a long period. I always used to be happy, nevertheless. I even disliked that toothy grin that made my face funny, and my eyes closed because I am asian. 


Fast forward to the present, and I realised that it was the best thing I had. Not only my smile, but also my happiness and carefree attitude. You know, these new emotions creeped in, and I know it was inevitable. But I never knew it would replace my old ones, and now I have to get used to it. My old happiness is buried somewhere in the past, and I kept unraveling while it's long gon, and now we have to make peace with my past. I used to be all happy and less sad, and now I constantly worry about my future, and I believe I search for meaning in every minuscule activity I do. I mean,n It this what maturity feels like? To take control of your emotions and act according to the place and situations? To think about family, future, and friends when it comes to spending the limited time you have? I don’t know? Who’s gonna answer? 


I believe wisdom is understanding what miserable lives are and how to deal with all these internal sufferings. While a child is not wise but s/he is at least happy and content in their own world. Without worrying about the future and without thinking of the past. 


My point here is, I could get away with sadness and anxiety before, but now, I believe it has become a part of me, and I am okay with that. But sometimes, I feel like understanding the world for their sake and killing your desire is a criminal act of one's self. At the end, the whole point of life is the act of letting go. Or something. It's a quote from somewhere. I am not lonely or anxious; it’s who I am now. 


Yesterday I saw a documentary on Jake’s love journey for Princess Firegirl,  something. I know love hurts, but it's something to feel alive for. I mean it’s all stages of emotions he passes through to understand and become wise. Just like the Hero’s journey. One goes through a rigorous trial of love, hate, and all the emotions in between, and when s/he finally reaches the other side, s/he is no longer the person who entered the journey. Person full of excitement, sparkly eyes, car-free attitude, and fiery desire. I must go now. I will. 


I keep on checking her message, hoping for her reply, but I don’t. I mean, we met yesterday, and I was a fool for… I believe it is not considered foolish to act like a gentleman and let her enjoy the moment. I mean, I wanted to hug her and kiss her, even though she is not right for me. I mean, he’s a hurricane, and I am the cow who’s gonna be blown away into oblivion. Just to enjoy the ride. Just like Lenka said in the song. Just enjoy the show.


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